My wife and I spent the weekend in Chicago. She had meetings and I had family. Productivity and fun times occurred. Most importantly, Chicago-style pizza was consumed.
I don’t take sides in many issues. During my years on this planet I’ve learned that neither side is “right.” Also, I’m not a huge fan of arguing. I think that time could be better spent looking at porn.
I do, however, take a strong stand on the issue of whether or not Chicago-style pizza is better or not better than New York-style pizza. I’ve done a lot of research in this area, as can be seen by my waistline, and I’ve listened carefully to the opinions of scholars and idiots alike.
My conclusion can be summarized in three very simple and clear points:
Point #1: Chicago-style pizza is right.
Point #2: New York-style pizza is wrong.
Point #3: Don’t argue with me, I’m looking at porn.
Letterman, Fallon, Leno and Ferguson are all on vacation this week. What a bunch of bums. So, here were my favorite monologue jokes from last night’s Jimmy Kimmel Live!:
It rained today, which we don’t usually allow in LA, but the guys outside in the Spider-man costumes needed a wash so it worked out. We got three-quarters of an inch of rain today. It was scary, one of my arms got wet on the way in. But it should be nice tomorrow. It’s supposed to be sunny and almost 80 this week, just in case anyone needed another reason to hate us.
The mansion where they shoot The Bachelor and The Bachelorette in is for rent. It rents for $2100 a night, as do most of the bachelorettes by the way. I said “most.” It’s in Sonoma; it can be rented whenever they’re not taping the shows. The property has six bedrooms, nine bathrooms and eight thousand square feet of crying space if you’re interested.
Kiefer Sutherland was the first couch guest. He stars in the upcoming show Touch. The interview was good, but it would have been better if Jimmy had let Kiefer finish a a sentence or two. I understand that Kimmel is all about getting as many questions in as possible, but Kiefer is a laid-back kinda guy. If you’re going to invite him on the show, let the man talk at his own pace. My favorite part of the interview was when Kiefer discussed the upcoming 24 movie and his time during the filming of Stand By Me:
Bear Grylls was the second couch guest. He is the host of the show Man vs. Wild. The interview was entertaining. Bear was very personable and told some interesting stories. Here’s the second part of the interview where he and Kimmel make fire together:
Young The Giant was the musical guest. They gave the same fine performance they gave on the Tonight Show back in December.
Passengers on-board a British Airways flight were accidentally told their plane was about to crash. It turned out to be a false alarm and they landed safely, but not before an Italian cruise ship captain panicked and jumped out of the plane.
An intelligence officer with the Canadian Armed Forces has been arrested for passing Canadian military secrets to a terrorist group. I don’t know what’s more shocking, the fact that he did that, or that Canada actually has military secrets.
According to a poll of a thousand men, twenty-four percent of men say they have masturbated while driving in a car. So you might think twice the next time you ask a guy what exit he got off on.
In Georgia a prison inmate has been accused of hiding a handgun in his rectum. And you thought it was bad when a guy starts shooting his mouth off.
The desk segment was Q&A with Jim and Jay. It was ok, but not worth watching.
Jennifer Garner was the first couch guest. She is in the upcoming film Butter. The interview was fine. Jennifer is pregnant, so the first half of the interview was all about how that is going. I thought the second part of the interview, where she talks about Butter, was a lot more interesting. Here’s the clip:
Ross Mathews was the second couch guest. He is a Tonight Show correspondent who will be guest-hosting on Chelsea Lately. The interview was pretty entertaining. It took some time for Ross to grow on me, as he was trying very hard to be funny and not all of his humor was working, but halfway through the interview I realized I was having a good time listening to him talk. Here’s the interview:
