Ok, all of my late night homies are back. Here were my favorite monologue jokes from last night’s Late Show with David Letterman:

Congratulations to your New York Yankees for capturing the American League Pennant. So we have a bet with Philadelphia. Now, if we win the bet, Philadelphia sends us a Philly cheese steak. If we lose we send them a dead mob snitch.

How many of you are here because the Northwest pilots overshot Minneapolis? Hell, who hasn’t missed an exit, you know what I mean? It was a scary flight because they nearly had a mid-air collision with Balloon Boy.

Over the weekend Donald Trump’s daughter Ivanka Trump got married. Donald Trump, he’s a wealthy guy, you know. He actually hired Mayor Bloomberg to be the little guy on the cake. Donald Trump was thrilled. He said the day was so beautiful it reminded him of his third wedding.

The desk segment began with Letterman telling a story about the after-school magic program his son Harry is in. Apparently the magician started with good magic tricks, but now, five weeks later, he spends the entire time talking about his adventures on the road. Letterman then performed the first magic trick his son was taught in the program, making a quarter disappear.

He followed up that story with #82 of Things More Fun Than Reading the Sarah Palin Memoir: Getting chopped up by helicopter blades.

He finished with the Top Ten Northwest Airlines Pilot Excuses. Number 5 and 3 were my favorites.

Charles Barkley was the first couch guest. He spent the first half of the interview talking about how much he sucks at golf. Apparently he sucks so bad he quit. They then spent the second half of the interview discussing the upcoming basketball season. He likes L.A. and Boston the best. I’m not necessarily a Barkley fan, but I’ve always found him funny, and he didn’t disappoint last night with Letterman, so I enjoyed the interview.

Cheryl Hines was the second couch guest. She’s an actress on the HBO show Curb Your Enthusiasm, and is also directing her first movie, Serious Moonlight. Cheryl is nice and the interview started fine, but it really took an upswing for me when she mentioned that she plays tournament style poker. Now that’s a person I can get onboard with.

Harper Simon was the musical guest. Harper is the son of Paul Simon. He was good.

Good episode. I give it:

- Woody

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Today I had to choose between reviewing Jimmy Kimmel and Jimmy Fallon. Either way I was going to end up with a Jimmy. I decided to flip a coin and let fate decide. Here were my favorite monologue jokes from last night’s Late Night with Jimmy Fallon:

Who saw the premiere of Lost last night? A lot of people had it on the DVR, so they spent the whole day saying, “Nobody tell me what happened, nobody tell me what happened.” Then when they got home they watched it and they were like, “Somebody tell me what happened., somebody tell me what happened.”

Admiral Mike Mullen, the military’s top officer, wants to end Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. Of course the top officer’s cool with it. I want to hear what the bottom officer has to say.

A new report found that cheap perfumes can contain bacteria, antifreeze and urine. This explains Calvin Klein’s newest scent: The Subway.

A man in Australia was arrested for kissing a police dog at a pub. In his defense he had no idea she was a cop.

The desk segments were ?uestions and Dance Your Hat and Gloves Off. The titles sound better than the segments actually were.

Jessica Alba was the first couch guest. She’s promoting the new film Valentine’s Day. I like Jessica and thought the interview was good. The best part for me, however, was the round of beer pong that they played afterward:

Michael Strahan was the second couch guest. Michael is a former New York Giants player and is now an analyst on Fox NFL Sunday. I first saw Michael when he was a guest on the Tonight Show last year. I liked him then and I still like him now. He’s got a great attitude that makes him a fun guest. Here’s a clip to show you what I mean:

Harper Simon was the musical guest. He was great. I really enjoyed his performance.

A fine show. I give it:

- Woody

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