Ah, Conan, I have missed ye. Here were my favorite monologue jokes from last night’s Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien:

Swiss watchmaker Tag Heuer says they’re reevaluating their endorsement deal with Tiger Woods. Which is really ironic, cause in order to schedule a career, a wife and fourteen mistresses, you need a really good watch.

Over the weekend in Washington, D.C. an off-duty police officer pulled a gun in the middle of a snowball fight. And guess what? He won.

Over the weekend in London Amy Winehouse attended a stage version of Cinderella, and at one point she stood up and yelled, “F*** Cinderella.” Yeah, folks, finally someone had the courage to say what we’ve all been thinking all this time.

Paris Hilton has announced she’s changing her catchphrase from “That’s hot” to “That’s huge.” Meanwhile Paris Hiltons’ doctor’s catchphrase is still “That’s herpes.”

Then there was this:

And this:

The desk segment was Twitter Tracker. This is a regular desk segment that I’ve never found very funny, so I’m going to skip it.

Christina Applegate was the first couch guest. She is in the new movie Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel. I like Christina and really admire her strength in the face of the adversity she has dealt with so far in life. The interview was pretty decent. Here was the funniest part:

David Gregory was the second couch guest. David is the moderator of NBC’s Meet the Press. The interview was quick but good. David is a pretty likeable guy.

Silversun Pickups was the musical guest. I didn’t think I was going to enjoy them, but they grew on me.

Good show. I give it:

- Woody

The great thing about reviewing five different late-night talk shows is that one of them is working just about every week while the rest take vacation. Last week it was Jimmy Kimmel Live!, this week it’s the Late Show with David Letterman. Here were my favorite monologue jokes from last night’s show:

Welcome to New York City, the city that never sleeps. You know why? Bedbugs.

What a day outside. The strange, rainy weather in New York City. It’s 70 and gray…like Bret Favre.

You know about Bret Favre? He retires, then he doesn’t retire, then he retires, then he doesn’t retire, and now apparently he’s not retired and he’s playing again for the Vikings. At training camp yesterday he fumbled…his teeth. On Monday he dropped back to pass…a kidney stone. And today he was tackled by his Medic Alert bracelet.

Sad news. Tiger Woods’ divorce is final. And his wife, beautiful woman by the name of Elin Nordegren, is quite a catch when you think about it. She’s young. She’s beautiful. She leads the PGA in earnings.

They’ve recalled every egg ever laid, ladies and gentlemen. Don’t eat the eggs; you’ll drop dead in your plate. I mean it’s nasty, it’s lousy, it’s salmonella. I hate it when somebody jumps on the bandwagon when there is something awful like this. Hollywood, already, in the works a brand new movie about the egg recall. Have you heard about it? It’s called Eat, Pray, Vomit.

The desk segments included the Top Ten Ways Miss Universe Plans to Make the World a Better Place. It was read by 2010 Miss Universe winner Ximena Navarrete. It was really funny:

Christina Applegate was the first couch guest. She’s in the new movie Going the Distance. Overall the interview was pretty good. Christina has been on the show multiple times, and she and Dave get along really well. This time she is pregnant with her first child, so they spent most of the interview discussing pregnancy. Here’s a clip:

Tom Dreesen was the second couch guest. I’ve seen him on Letterman before and he’s always a fun guest. He told some great stories.

The Pretty Reckless was the musical guest. They did some rockin’.

Good show. I give it:

- Woody